I’d like to start this episode off with a reflective question for you.
When it comes to your wellbeing, how kind are you being to yourself?
As someone who has coached in health and wellness for the past 20 years, I can tell you that when people struggle to sustain their wellbeing, it’s rarely due to a lack of knowledge or opportunity. Instead, they usually struggle with self compassion.
We beat ourselves up for the way we look. We scald ourselves for how we’re feeling. We tell ourselves we should be doing better, working harder or getting more results. We riddle ourselves with guilt. And, many of us even project outside of ourselves and assume everyone else is thinking all these same things about us too.
Well let me tell you that the health and wellness journey is challenging enough on its own. Adding this kind of pressure onto yourself only invites the task to become exponentially harder.
Sleeping, eating and exercising to perfection, in the pursuit of wellness, is no match for the simple words we use on ourselves.
As I hope you’ll learn during this episode, true wellness is not defined by how you look on the outside, but how you feel on the inside.
In this conversation, Mother Nature and I are going to talk about her fifth rule for vibrant wellbeing – “Being kind to yourself.”
As she mentioned briefly in the last episode, this rule has by far the deepest reach through all aspects of a person’s physical and mental health.
So we’re going to take our time with this one and explore it with all the compassion we want you to show yourself.
I hope you enjoy the show.
Chris: Welcome back to the show Mother Nature.
Mother Nature: Lovely to be here as always Chris.
Chris: I’ve so been looking forward to getting into this conversation and discussing your fifth rule for physical and mental wellbeing.
It’s the rule of being kind to yourself.
Shall we dive right in?
Mother Nature: Fire away Chris. What would you like to know?
Chris: So far your rules have been pretty logical. Obvious even.
It’s unlikely that we would find anyone listening to this podcast that doesn’t already understand the benefits of sleep, diet, exercise and socialising.
But this rule is a little out of left field. Although it feels somewhat intuitive when I hear it.
So my first question is this: Why is “Kindness” so important to wellbeing?
Mother Nature: That’s an excellent place to start, Chris.
The previous four guidelines of sleep, diet, exercise and socialising don’t, by themselves, add up to wellbeing.
That’s because they can all be done both out of guilt and obligation, or kindness and compassion.
So it’s important to understand that wellbeing starts on the inside. It’s actually something you feel rather than something you can necessarily see.
So the secret ingredient is found in the way you approach them. And that ingredient is ‘kindness’.
Chris: Interesting. You seem to be saying that the same action – let’s say doing some exercise for example – can either improve wellness or hinder it.
Could you expand on that a little please?
Mother Nature: Of course Chris.
Imagine this. You want to improve your physical wellbeing and you recognise you’re not as fit as you used to be. You have two paths ahead of you. You could choose the path of kindness and say to yourself, “I choose to reconnect with the joy that being physically active once gave me, and in doing so I know I will have more energy for my other commitments.”
Or you could choose guilt and obligation as the driver of change, by saying to yourself, “I’m overweight, unfit and dislike what I’ve become. I MUST exercise in spite of all the pressures that led me here.”
What comes to mind, Chris, when you think of these two opposing outlooks?
Chris: For me it feels like there is a different weight to each of them.
The approach that leads with kindness feels lighter somehow. I don’t feel held down by a negative view of myself, like I do in the second option.
Mother Nature: Very good Chris.
And which do you think would lead to feeling the least stressed about regaining your health?
Chris: Clearly the first option. The second feels like it comes from a place of anger or frustration, so it already contains stress.
Mother Nature: Exactly.
Managing stress is a large part of wellness. That’s why I say wellbeing is something you feel, not something you can always see.
Chris: That makes sense. Although I’ve noticed that when someone feels good, they often radiate that out. So you can almost see that radiance somehow.
Mother Nature: Very much so Chris. But they don’t need to “Look” any certain way when they radiate health, do they.
They could be overweight, or overworked, or simply be having a bad hair day, yet be utterly radiant.
Chris: That’s true. I’ve met people that look like cover models yet they radiate nothing but stress, anxiety and exhaustion.
Mother Nature: There you go. The ‘Nature’ of how someone feels on the inside can always be sensed by what they project on the outside.
Chris: So you can’t fake it!
Which actually reminds me of last week’s conversation when we said that communication is 60% body language.
So this makes me think; if wellbeing starts on the inside, is this internal work more important than our physical efforts?
Mother Nature: No. They are equal. Like the opposite sides of a circle.
Sleep, Diet, Exercise and Socialising all create a reinforcing feedback loop. Feeding back into whatever mindset you entered them with.
Let me explain.
If you start the day well rested, then it’s easier to have a positive outlook and be kind to yourself. If you eat from nature’s plate, you’re unlikely to feel lethargic, or have a racing heart, so you’ll feel good about your choices. If you exercise you’ll get fitter and create endorphins, which encourages you to go again. And when you spend time with others that you like, then you feel good too.
These all reinforce positive healthy behaviours, and encourage you to keep repeating them.
So think of kindness, compassion, and respect for ourselves, as the outlook we want to have as we enter into this circle.
The activities you choose will then feed back to you more kindness, compassion and respect for yourself.
Chris: So if you enter this feedback loop with an outlook of guilt, obligation or frustration, then the exact same activities you could have done with kindness, would feedback more guilt, obligation and frustration?
Mother Nature: I’m afraid so Chris.
One thing you need to know about my ‘laws of nature’, is that I’m neutral about how you choose to use them.
Humans have free will. You can do as you please. But the rules are the rules. You can either use them to promote wellbeing or promote stress. Your choice.
Chris: That’s brutal!
Mother Nature: The truth often is Chris.
Chris: Okay, on that note, let me clarify this. You’re saying that “being kind to yourself” is the outlook you should have as you enter into making choices about your wellbeing.
You know you’re entering your health journey with kindness because it feeds back a positive sensation of wellbeing.
And you know if you’re entering your health journey without kindness because it will be feeding any existing feelings of guilt, anxiety or negative self images.
Feeling kind about yourself and acting kindly towards yourself, should allow you to begin to radiate wellbeing from the inside. It doesn’t really matter what the outside looks like at any given time..
Mother Nature: Very good Chris.
Over time, the outside will begin to reflect whatever the inside is feeling. So there is no need to gauge the progress of wellbeing by how you look. Instead gauge it by how you feel.
Chris: Nice!
Okay, I’m going to play devil’s advocate here.
What if the kindest thing you could do for yourself right now IS to stay up late, or EAT that cake, or NOT exercise today?
How does your rule stand up to that? It feels like these choices are just begging for guilt to emerge.
Mother Nature: A very good question Chris.
It seems like you’ve found a loophole, doesn’t it. But, in nature, the rules are always the rules.
Sometimes the kindest thing to do in the moment IS to step out of the wellness feedback loop for a moment.
Try this for size.
Close your eyes for a moment, Chris. Imagine placing the tip of a pen on some paper. Write the word Kindness then, without lifting the pen, continue to draw a line to the right that gently curves up, so the pen is now travelling up the page.
Without stopping start curving to the right again and keep going all the way around until you’ve drawn a circle. You should now have the word kindness joined to a short tail that continues into a circle.
This is a representation of what we spoke about earlier, with kindness being how you enter your feedback loop.
Chris: I like it. As you go around and around the wellness loop, you never leave kindness.
Mother Nature: Precisely.
Now. Imagine travelling around and around this circle. At some point you’re going to start feeling dizzy, right?
It’s actually unkind to continue to make yourself dizzier and dizzier, just to stay on the wheel.
So this time, as you draw over the top of your circle and start coming down the page, curve your way to the right again and draw a new circle.
You’ll end up drawing a new circle going in the opposite direction, right next to the first one. Like a figure eight on its side.
Chris: An infinity sign?
Mother Nature: Exactly Chris.
The second loop represents taking time out of the original kindness loop. Giving you a moment to travel in the opposite direction and unwind your dizziness.
You can stay on this second loop as long as necessary, knowing you can smoothly rejoin the first wellness loop when you come back around.
Chris: Oh I see. I can make 5 turns around the first wellness activity loop, and when I get dizzy and want to get off it, I can take a few turns around the reverse circle.
A bit like when training in the gym. You do 5 weeks of hard work then take a week off to allow your body to recover. Then you simply get back on with training again.
Mother Nature: Yes, you’re getting it Chris. We’re building a metaphor for what it’s like to be on the wellness journey.
Now, to finish up the diagram, label the first loop “Values” and the second loop “Rebalance”.
Kindness is to enter the loop in a way that meets your values around wellbeing and stay on it as long as you feel comfortable. Your values are always personal to you, and represent whatever feels right for your wellbeing in the domains of sleep, diet, exercise and socialising.
The second loop represents the act of kindness that is found in taking time to rebalance yourself when you’re feeling tired.
Very often, this is when there are some competing needs that need your attention.
The second wheel allows you to meet those competing needs by having that slice of cake. Enjoying a rest week. Staying up late to watch that movie. Or meeting any other competing demands of life.
It allows you a moment to get off the dizzying wheel of self improvement when you need to.
You can easily come back around and rejoin the Values wheel when you’re centred again.
Chris: I love that. Self improvement is not an either/or set of decisions. It’s a smooth, infinite flow from one set of needs to the other.
Rather than competing, these needs actually balance each other.
Mother Nature: Yes they do. And it works in any context.
For example, you could imagine that the Values wheel is all about personal enjoyment, and the Rebalance wheel is all about paying your bills.
This approach allows them to complement each other, rather than compete. Smoothly stepping from one wheel to the other doing whatever is the kindest thing for you in that moment.
Some people will need to spend more time on the bill paying wheel and transition to the enjoyment wheel whenever they have free time.
Some get to spend more time on the enjoyment wheel, transitioning to the bill paying wheel when necessary.
What’s important, and makes the biggest difference to your wellbeing, is that you enter whichever infinity loop your life contains with kindness, not frustration.
Chris: That’s so true.
Knowing that these two states aren’t exclusive, but two joined up wheels that allow you to transfer from one to the other in any combination that works for you, is a game changer in itself.
But understanding that whichever loop you have to spend most time on – either the balancing loop or the values loop – if you hold on to that sense of kindness and compassion for yourself, it can only ever benefit our wellbeing.
Mother Nature: Excellent insight Chris.
Chris: Mother Nature, as always this has been another incredible conversation. Thank you so much.
Would you mind if I summarised what I’ve learnt today?
Mother Nature: Please. I’m interested to hear what you’ve learnt.
Chris: When we think of health and wellness, it’s really easy to get caught up in the physical aspects of it.
When we read books, search the web or ask people for advice, they’ll almost always start by telling you to sleep more, eat a better diet and get more exercise.
We’ve even followed suit in this podcast series and started with the physical aspect too.
But Mother Nature teaches us that true health and wellbeing starts on the inside with our outlook. This outlook, she tells us, should be one of “Kindness to ourselves”.
The mind is by far the most powerful influencer on health because it controls our behaviour.
If we come from a place of guilt, obligation or frustration, our behaviour will reflect this guilt, obligation and frustration. The weight of it makes this incredibly hard to remain on the path we chose.
When we come from a place of Kindness, we remove the heavy load, and our actions to sleep, eat, exercise and socialise through this lens create a positive feedback that deepens our sense of wellness from the inside out.
And that’s how you radiate wellness. You feel it and nurture it from inside.
Mother Nature taught us that the kindness loop for your wellbeing is the one that follows your Values.
These values lead us to take action towards the kind of wellbeing that matters to us.
But she also teaches us that if we rigidly stay on this one wheel, we’ll eventually get dizzy and want to fall off. And that’s not kindness either.
Therefore, we need to recognise that sometimes we have to rebalance ourselves. This can feel like you’re doing something that conflicts with your values at times.
For example, you could be restricting your calories to lose weight, which may well be a kind thing to do for your health right now. You stick to the plan for four or five weeks but then you feel the urge to give yourself a break from this pressure you’re putting on yourself.
In this moment, you’re feeling the need to transition to the rebalance wheel.
Mother Nature’s advice is to do just that. To head in the opposite direction for a moment to undizzy yourself IS the kindest thing you can do in that moment.
Just know that doing so is about regaining balance. It’s not in line with your values. So when you’re ready and focussed again, however long that takes, rejoin the values wheel and continue on your way to health.
So rather than seeing the competing activities of health and life as an Either/Or thing, the kindness approach allows us to merge transition from one wheel to the other as needed in the context of YOUR life.
This smooth, intentional changing of direction allows for the ebbs and flows in life. (And recognising that life does indeed ebb and flow, pulling at us in different directions is an important part of understanding health.)
Kindness is to do what feels right in the moment to remain balanced, but ultimately bringing yourself back to meeting your Values whenever possible is what helps you make the progress you desire.
Mother Nature: Excellent summary Chris.
Kindness to oneself is not an easy thing for people to master. Hopefully this conversation has sparked a little of that self compassion in people.
Chris: I hope so too.
Do you have any suggestions for a practice people could bring into their life to ensure they develop this being kind to yourself skill?
Mother Nature: Of course Chris. There are clearly many ways we can introduce kindness into your life, this concept of being kind to yourself. Each person is different in that regard. But one practice you could encourage is to start each day with a ‘kindness’ intention.
Each morning, simply take a moment to choose to start your day with kindness. Think about what is coming up for you and look for how it might best benefit you. Spend a few minutes feeling into this and then go about your day holding on to that feeling.
This is a simple way to ensure that kindness leads you into your values wheel for that day. Repeat this every day and treating yourself with kindness will become second nature.
Chris: Great advice. It takes less than a minute each day to do that and over time it’ll get easier and easier to be kind to yourself.
Thank you so much for this conversation today. It’s been enlightening to say the least.
It also brings us to the end of discussing your 5 guidelines for wellbeing, which has been a fascinating journey.
If it’s okay with you I’d love to continue these conversations and discuss the challenges to wellbeing people have through the lens of these five guidelines and the other laws of nature you have for us.
Maybe next week we can bring all five elements we’ve discussed together? I feel like it would be useful for people to see how smoothly these guidelines can fit into one’s life.
Mother Nature: That’s a great idea Chris. It would be my pleasure to chat that through with you. I look forward to the next conversation. Bye for now.
Thank you for listening today. I hope you enjoyed the show today.
Kindness to oneself is easy said, but no easy thing.
Remember, kindness is a choice. A choice to follow a path that meets what YOU value in life.
For some that means exercising hard, abstaining from what they class as ‘Bad’ foods and perfecting their body.
For others it’s about stealing a moment each week for themselves amid the turmoil of a life pulled in all directions.
Neither of these, or anything in between, is the right way or the wrong way to find wellbeing.
The right way is always the way of YOUR values.
So coming at your life from a sense of kindness towards yourself will, I assure you, promote wellbeing; whatever path you choose.
This episode is part of a series that I’ve produced on Mother Nature’s rules for vibrant wellbeing. If you’ve just discovered the show and you enjoyed today’s lesson, then please, head back to Episode one and invest a little time in catching yourself up.
Each episode is less than 20 minutes, so it shouldn’t take long.
We have other resources on the website to help you develop your health and wellness. Please follow the link in the description for more details.
And finally, please remember that health emerges quite naturally, when you allow nature to guide you.
